*Disclaimer: The following article discusses my deeply personal experience and the sensitive topic of miscarriage. The story may evoke strong emotions and could be distressing for some readers. Please read with an open mind and heart, and be mindful of your emotional well-being while reading. If you find the subject too difficult to engage with, please close this page and return when you feel ready. Remember, you are not alone, and emotional and medical support is available when needed.
My Miscarriage Story
On April 10th, 2024, I woke up to a new kind of grief in my heart. For those who are new on this journey with me, I have gotten to know grief quite well over the last few years.
Through my grandparent’s three-year journey with Alzheimer’s and dementia—resulting in the passing of my grandmother in June 2024 and my grandfather just weeks after in August 2024—to also saying goodbye to a dear friend who passes quite suddenly in February 2024, I’ve felt the presence of grief immensely through each loss. Alongside the grief of loss, I’ve felt its omnipresence through rapid change in my life that seems to speed up significantly as I get older. There is a special kind of awakening through the acceptance, self-mastery, and patience necessary to honor this change and do so through strength, trust, faith, and self-compassion.
Come to think of it, grief has been a close friend that’s been present my whole life. Grief has become this voice and relationship that has opened my heart to depths I’ve never known. It’s channeled a greater understanding of my soul and how I connect with the world around me. She’s always sitting behind me silently as a co-creator, a teacher, and a guide to navigate my life each day with as much grace, love, and strength as I possibly can. Some days, my heart feels cracked open and expanded to share the transformation of grief. However, that heavy week in April, I learned to navigate its guidance at a new depth.
My Manifestation Journey into Motherhood
First Intention
I started my manifestation journey into motherhood nearly four years ago, in 2020. While relocating from San Diego to Orange County, CA, I kept seeing and feeling these strong visions that marriage and motherhood were close by within that next chapter of my life. It became a beautiful vision that significantly altered my life while creating a deeper meaning to my business and how I wanted to create a legacy with my business—not only for myself but for my future family. Those visions were so powerful that they shifted how I thought and lived my life and continue to do so. Through the different phases of my self-mastery journey throughout the years, I’ve grown more expanded in my life by living with deep intentions. However, nothing compared to how my life transformed through this type of intentionality.
One of the most significant decisions I made was to get off birth control. Although I didn’t have a partner at the time, I knew that I needed to tap back into a clear womb space physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Within just two weeks of getting my IUD removed in May of 2020, my cycle started immediately and had been regular with no problems or issues. Only in a short time did these visions start presenting themselves, which speaks to the power of a clear womb space.
Second Intention
The second intentional decision that came nearly a year later was cutting alcohol out of my life. I decided to stop drinking in December of 2021 and haven’t had a drink since. There were numerous reasons why I wanted to live an intentionally sober lifestyle. However, the biggest reason of all was that I wanted an even more clean and vitalized mind, body, soul, and womb leading up to pregnancy and motherhood. Pregnancy and motherhood are sacred experiences, and I wanted to honor that sacredness by doing my part to become the best opening for my babies.
I’ve had many spiritual awakenings in my lifetime (with plenty more to come) — and each awakening has made me more present to experiences that are left to manifest in this lifetime. However, I’ve created a new communication channel for my spirit babies through my decisions and actions to welcome motherhood. What’s fun is that I’ve had two mediums confirm their presence, which always uplifts my spirits and brings power to these visions, knowing that this chapter of my life is within my reach.
My Pregnancy — The Beginning
On March 10th, 2024, three weeks after the memorial for my dear friend who passed, I noticed that many changes were taking place in my body. I was just about two weeks in with a missed period. Given that I have been regular with my cycle since getting off birth control, I had a pretty good idea of what was going on. Nonetheless, my fiancé and I went to the pharmacy to get a set of pregnancy tests; we took one on Sunday evening and the other the following day, and both were positive. In my true nature, I didn’t want to get overly excited as false positives can happen, so I scheduled a pregnancy test at the doctor, and they came in the room and said my test lit up immediately.
Conception Date
As I sat in the room soaking in the news, the doctor gave me a piece of paper that enclosed the conception date. When I looked at the date on the paper, my heart burst, and all I felt was a wave of joy and a touch of grief. Our conception date was within the same week of my friend’s passing, and I couldn’t help but feel like this pregnancy was a gift from the other side. Over the years, my friend and I enjoyed many conversations about motherhood. When I saw that conception date, I joked that even on the other side, my friend was still advocating for me to enter motherhood.
Our Dream of Becoming Parents
As for my fiancé and I, our shared dream and vision has been that we couldn’t wait to become parents. You can only imagine how clear that dream and purpose became. In all its divinity and beauty, my body started to create life. The pregnancy sensations began well before the pregnancy test but became more pronounced as the days went on. My fiancé and I became the observers of my body, giving it all it needed and desired, trusting that each step and decision we made was setting us on the right path toward parenthood.
The First Ultrasound and First Mention of Miscarriage
The Glimpse of Our Miracle
With both faces bright with excitement, we went in for our first ultrasound on April 2nd, 2024. We gazed at the screen to see our little nugget floating around, and it all felt real. Given that our ultrasound took place around nine to ten weeks of the pregnancy, the nurse mentioned that I was only measuring at six weeks and proceeded to express that I could have had a late ovulation period. The nurse escorted my fiancé out of the room so that another nurse practitioner could talk with me in confidentiality.
The Heartbreaking News of Hearing No Heartbeat
I dressed and sat in the chair to wait for the other nurse to return. As she entered the room with an energy quite unsettling for a high intuitive like myself, she gave me news that immediately brought me to grief. With what felt like zero empathy, she told me that they couldn’t detect a heartbeat during the ultrasound. Then, I heard the word miscarriage exit her mouth, and I froze. Never in my life would I have imagined hearing that word as a part of my life experience. She then proceeded to start talking about treatment to remove the baby, and my heart stopped. I didn’t have any time or space to process the possibility of a miscarriage, let alone the process to remove it.
The Wave of Hope
After seeing the stone look on my face, she proceeded to say that we could schedule another ultrasound for a week later to see if the pregnancy would progress and if we would then hear a heartbeat before making a decision. As I could hardly think, I agreed to schedule a follow-up ultrasound and left the facility in utter disbelief and mourning. My fiancé was in shock to see me like that, given that it was the last state he’d expect me to be. I tried my best to explain what they had said to me through clouded thoughts and sobbing words. We did our best to stay positive and hopeful for the next week. However, knowing the possibility of our rescan, I couldn’t shake the heavy and heartbreaking feeling that this wasn’t our time.
The Second Ultrasound and Accepting the Miscarriage
On April 10th, 2024, I walked into the clinic for the second ultrasound and what I hoped would be another step toward meeting our long-awaited miracle. But instead, I received the most disheartening news a hopeful mother could hear—there was still no heartbeat. The tiny life inside me hadn’t grown since the week before. Time seemed to stand still as I entered a new reality I never asked for.
The days that followed were a blur of conflicting emotions. The deep sadness and mourning of a future felt quite uncertain. But there was also anger — an overwhelming sense of injustice and unfairness — probably the most complicated feeling to shake. We had been intentional in our journey toward becoming parents, putting our hearts and souls into every step of the process. It felt like we were robbed of something so precious, so rightfully ours.
Grief is often painted with broad strokes of sadness, but for me and the miscarriage, it was a complex, multifaceted experience. I felt everything from profound loss to utter disgust at the unfairness of it all. The week of April 10th, 2024, was the start of a difficult journey expanding over weeks—a journey that tested my faith and forced me to confront new depths of my pain.
The Passing of the Miscarriage — A Spiritual Awakening of It’s Own Kind
The First Wave
The physical passing of the miscarriage was an experience unlike anything I have ever encountered before. It required me to advocate for my body and trust its natural ability to handle what was happening. I decided to wait and let the miscarriage pass naturally, believing in my body’s wisdom to navigate this process. A week and a half after my last ultrasound, I began to experience slight bleeding—a signal that the process had begun. For several days, the bleeding was minimal, accompanied by mild cramping, which didn’t match the intensity others had described. I assumed that perhaps I was one of the fortunate ones who might go through this without too much physical pain.
On the following Sunday, thinking I was in the clear, my fiancé and I decided to go to the beach to relax and give me a break from being bedridden for weeks due to fatigue and grief. As we lounged on the sand, I suddenly felt large gushes of fluid, so intense that I had to hunch my way to the restroom. As I stood in line, I was struck by the surreal nature of the moment—I was surrounded by people enjoying a beautiful day, completely unaware of the profound loss and physical experience I was enduring.
The Second Wave
When I finally reached a stall and pulled down my shorts, I saw a palm-sized sac and clot in my underwear. The moment it left my body, I felt an overwhelming physical release, unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was as though a heavy weight had been lifted, leaving me feeling lighter, more relaxed, and, to my surprise, somewhat relieved. I was astonished that it had happened without the intense pain and bleeding I had been warned about. The serene environment of the beach seemed like a gentle backdrop for such a significant release, offering a strange sense of peace amid the turmoil.
The Third Wave
But the journey wasn’t over. A few days later, I was awakened to an experience that would become the most excruciatingly painful of my life. On Thursday evening, intense cramping began, quickly escalating into powerful contractions that lasted nearly four hours. The pain was relentless, and nothing—ibuprofen, heating pads, hot showers—brought any relief. It was so severe that my fiancé and I were moments away from heading to the ER. In a moment of clarity, we called the on-call nurse instead, desperate for guidance.
The nurse provided support and assured us that I could continue to let things pass at home as long as I wasn’t experiencing a fever. I endured these contractions from 8:30 p.m. until almost midnight, culminating in the final release. Despite being only six weeks pregnant, what my body expelled was unimaginable.
As harrowing as it was, this physical release felt like a rite of passage—a profound and painful awakening of its own kind. It was as though I had crossed a threshold where my body and spirit were forever changed. The process was raw, intense, and deeply personal but also brought a strange sense of closure. I had physically and emotionally endured the loss. While the grief still lingers, I emerged from the experience with a new understanding of my own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strength and resilience. This journey has deepened my connection to my body, spirit, and the sacredness of life and loss.
The Loneliness of Loss — Transforming Miscarriage Grief into Connection
In the aftermath of my miscarriage, I became acutely aware of just how lonely and isolating the experience can be. It opened my eyes to the deep-seated need for more support around miscarriage, especially within our closest circles. Women should never have to suffer in silence. We need to foster a space where grief around miscarriage is met with compassion, ensuring those struggling know they are not alone.
Unique Observations
This experience also highlighted for me how often grieving is misunderstood. There were some comments made during this time that were anything but supportive. Through my journey of self-mastery, I’ve learned not to take things personally and to understand that others may not delve as deeply into their emotions and emotional awareness of others as I do. However, these comments underscored a key realization: through grief we need compassion and understanding, not rationalizations or comparisons. Over time, I also noticed the silence and distance from many close friends and loved ones, which deepened my sense of isolation when connection was vital for my healing.
My Anchors
That said, my fiancé and the community that I curated through this experience was my anchors, offering unwavering support, but the absence of others did magnified the loneliness I felt. Through these contrasts, I felt a strong calling to step into conversations about grief on The Conscious Publicist® Podcast. I wanted to transform my emotional isolation into a way to alchemize the experience, ensuring that others facing grief—no matter the type—wouldn’t feel as alone as I did. Though showing up was the last thing I wanted to do, this vision and the persistent voice in my head urging me to bring grief into my creative work grew louder and louder. Eventually, I leaped, embracing the call to make grief a central narrative in my mission.
The Connection to All Chapters of This Journey
Even though I had a miscarriage during my pregnancy, I still feel and see myself as a mother. From the start to where I am now, I’ve felt like a new woman through this experience. My heart knows that we are on the divine path to meet our baby and that a greater plan is in place. However, I still find myself in grief and mourning at times. A woman’s womb is such a sacred space, and to have felt even a glimpse of life created within me shifted my perception of my purpose almost immediately. It became crystal clear.
Through this journey, I’ve understood that motherhood is not solely defined by a child’s physical presence but by the deep love, care, and nurturing spirit within me. My experience, though marked by loss, has further solidified my identity as a mother. It has also empowered me to channel my grief into using my voice and platform to uplift others navigating similar paths.
My life and all that I have been creating is to be in the co-creation of motherhood. As my friend grief has shown me, I am ready and will be here patiently waiting. In the meantime, I will continue to pave my narrative of grief forward as a means to build a space for others to turn to for guidance and support.
What Lies Ahead
In this waiting space, I am finding strength in narrative and creation. My passions, whether through The Conscious Publicist® Podcast or other creative endeavors, are now infused with the essence of motherhood. This is my way of holding space for others and myself as we journey together through the complexities of grief and the anticipation of new beginnings.
The path ahead is unknown, but I trust in its unfolding. I’m committed to honoring my story — embracing the transformative power of grief and helping others do the same. We are not alone in our struggles. I believe that we can create a community where healing, hope, and love prevail. ♥
Relatable Articles —
I Thought I Knew Everything About Miscarriages Until I Had One Myself
I relate deeply to Amanda’s story. During my miscarriage, all I could focus on was the process, feeling unable to engage in anything else, including business. I struggled with the fear of disappointing others while prioritizing my own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.
No, I’m Not ‘Lucky’ Because I Had a Miscarriage at 6 Weeks
Experiencing a miscarriage is deeply personal and painful and should never be minimized. Comments like being “lucky” it didn’t go full term or that “now wasn’t a good time” only undermined my grief, making my loss seem less valid. Such well-meaning but hurtful remarks highlight how words can often do more harm than good. Every miscarriage, regardless of timing, deserves to be acknowledged and mourned with respect and compassion.
Copyright 2024 – Simply Ashley Graham – All Rights Reserved | Updated: August 28th, 2024
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